“Console Prostitutes” = Fail

So this rather ingenious site has just came about called “GameCrush.com”, where sad lonely people (like myself) can pay for a girl to play an online game with them. All online games are included, and it’s about £4 for twenty minutes play.

Now… let’s just review this. You pay £4 for a random girl, to speak idly over voice chat and… play a game with you. Then, she buggers off and you’re still as lonely as you were before and you haven’t even had a chance to have a crafty yet. Sound pointless? Oh yes. Does it sound degrading? Even more so.

Guess what? The site crashed within the first five minutes of launch, due to 100,000 applications for “e-dates”.

*face/palm*

Sod the iPad. Game Boy Camera Is Where It’s At.

So who else is sick of hearing about the iPad? I know I am.

Therefore lets talk about the greatest invention of the past one hundred years.

The Game Boy camera.

I remember being absolutely blown away by this. It was a camera, on your Game Boy! A real Camera! You could like, take pictures and stuff it was amazing! I remember my mate getting one for his birthday as well as Pokémon Yellow and I was so jealous I cried. True story.

Look at the quality of that picture! It’s right to say, that that’s a car. Yup. Incredible stuff.

Of course, all of this was pointless until this came along…

So you can sit there and drool over your iPad’s and your iMacs and your iPhones, whereas I’ll be hunting on eBay for a one of these babies.

Do you want a terrible black and white camera for an outdated handheld system? Well there isn’t an app for that. So suck it.

Uncharted 2: Game Of The Year, Game Of The Year.

IGN 2009 Game of the Year

I don't think I've ever cringed more before when watching a video. This has singlehandly ruined this game for me.

IGN's so cheesy!

The Original Dungeon Keeper 2009 Awards

 

So here it is. Did you bring your jacket? Can I get you a drink? It’s the first annual game of the year awards for 2009! Last year I didn’t bother, but this year I’m making it a tradition. I’ve devised seven categories and within each of them are the games that have left a mark on me this year.If you disagree with any of these selections, please leave a comment and tell me what you would have picked and I’ll do a further blog on what you all thought in a few days time. So here we go. The first award.

The “Most Fun I’ve Had All Year” Award:

Infamous

From it’s opening cut scene to it’s climatic conclusion, inFamous is gripping in it’s narrative, addictive in it’s game play and beautiful in it’s entirety. Criminally overlooked by the overall community as a “Prototype Clone”, inFamous is one of the most compelling and overall upsetting games I've played in years. The human elements of pain, isolation and corruption are presented on such a scale that it literally leaves you feeling… well rather depressed by the end of the ride. But it’s worth it, and no matter what path you choose, the conclusion will leave your jaw hanging wide open every time.

 

The “Oh… That’s Actually Quite Good!” Award:

Batman: Arkham Asylum

When I first heard about Arkham Asylum I didn’t even give it a second thought. I simply passed it off as another superhero action kids game that would clog up the shelves and sell by the bucket loads, even though it’d be about as fun as drowning. But when I played it, my whole perspective changed. This game is huge. This game is a masterpiece. This game could well be the runner up for my overall game of the year. I’ve never played a game that takes a franchise and exceeds expectations so much. The characterisation is perfect, the atmosphere is heavy and dark, the locations are bitter-sweet and the narrative slots very neatly and snugly within the Batman canon. I would even go as far as to recommend this over watching the Dark Night. It really is THAT good.

 

The “Continuing Tradition” Award:

The Sims 3

I bought this out of dedication. Same reason I bought Spore and Sim City Societies. I expected something abysmal, or the same as Sims 2 but with better graphics. What I got was the definitive Sims experience. If I could change one thing this year, it would be that I played more of the Sims 3. What appears to be the same old game, is actually a completely new game built entirely from scratch. Gone is the frustration, the difficulty and the tedium of the past incarnations. Here is a game that really does excel in every department, and I’d recommend this game to anyone with a brain cell. If anything, this game proves that maybe the world could survive without a Mr. Will Wright and his “Spores”.

 

The “I Told It Was Going To Be Good!” Award:

Resident Evil 5

To quote Chris in the opening scenes of Resident Evil 5, “Sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth fighting for…”. When it comes to Resident Evil, I can’t help but know exactly what he means. What is it worth fighting for? The desperate struggle to try and convince old fans that it’s worth playing the new incarnations. The impossible task of trying to educate newcomers that the old games are equally as pleasing (if not on the eye, then at least on the narratives and gameplay). The equally difficult task of trying to convince myself at the beginning of the year that Resident Evil 5 was going to be something worth fighting for. You know what? It is worth it, because Resident Evil 5 has given me 53 blissful hours of gameplay , two completions and a whole lot of fun. I adore this game, and you should too.

 

The “2009 is so 2008” Award:

Fallout 3

Slow at first, but as soon as it hooks you it simply will not let go. Give me a world that drips with as much satire, oozes with as much depth and shines with as much breathtaking beauty and I will eat my own face. Fallout 3 isn’t a game. It’s an experience, and it’s one that you will not soon forget. The reason it’s on this list? Because with the release of the new DLC packs this year, it was impossible to not be drawn back into the capital wasteland.

 

The “Faith In The Industry” Award:

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

If you haven’t already read my gushing review to this game, then you’re unaware on how much of an impact this game had on me. The world of Nathan Drake became perfect in this title, and it is the best game ever made. That’s a fact. This game will make you laugh out loud, it will make you shift forward to the edge of your seat in actual real tension more times that I wish to mention and most of all? You will walk away with a feeling of complete satisfaction. The same feeling you had when you first saw Star Wars, The Godfather, Fight Club or The Shawshank Redemption. I priceless piece of entertainment, all yours for £30.

 

The “Little Game = Big Surprises!” Award:

Burn Zombie Burn

This game impressed me in two ways. Firstly, it’s so tongue in cheek it’s entire face is bleeding. Secondly, it’s fun. This game is pure, 100% fun. You will sit down, you will play, you will enjoy it. It’s entertainment in it’s purest form and it’s an absolute corker of a title. If you’ve never bought a game from the PSN before, then this is a damn good start.

 

There we have it. The first annual Original Dungeon Keeper awards for 2009. Now all that’s left to say is Happy New Year, and I hope you all have a great 2010.

Game Plan

I've been reading a book recently called "Game Plan: Great Designs that Changed the Face of Computer Gaming". It's all about ten games that completely changed modern gaming. It's dead interesting despite the fact that I don't entirely agree with the games listed (If you're interested the games are Populous, Tomb Raider, Super Mario 64, Metal Gear Solid, Gran Turismo, Street Fighter 2, Broken Sword 2, The Sims, Half Life and Everquest) but the most interesting thing about it is the interviews with the developers on the earlier titles (Mainly Populous, Super Mario 64 and Street Fighter 2).

The great thing about them is that the developers had no clue what on earth they were doing, and that most of the extraordinary things we see in videogames today were because of the mistakes made back then. Combos for instance, were created due to the animations in Street Fighter 2 not allowing the player fight back after receiving a hit. They weren't intentional at all, they were never meant to be there and that fascinates me.

Now if only I could make a revolutionary mistake....

Mario: Game Over

I'm busy today ( Bloody A-Levels) so here's a classic Video of Mario!

What Will Become Of Them?

I’ve had abdominal pain since Monday, and therefore haven't been to college since then this week. After visiting the Doctor this morning (in which a large portion of my Urine was stolen and my stomach was molested) It turns out I did something that pulled it, and therefore have to rest it. It was funny though, because she said I must have been over-exercising, to which I replied that I must have just excersised, because I haven't done any form of physical activity since I was born. Well, if you don’t include the Wii.

 

So basically, I’ve been bored. Very bored. Yesterday I managed to entertain myself by reading the whole back catalogue of Penny Arcade and by playing Far Cry 2, but today I was at a loss. So I looked under my bed. You know as you do. Under there, I found my Gamecube and my Playstation 1. I was overjoyed! The last time I played a Playstation game was Spyro, and that was before I got my PS3 in August last year. So I dug it out, plugged it in, played it for about 10 minutes then wandered off for food.

 

As I was making myself a sandwich, I couldn’t help thinking that in give or take 5 years time, it could my PS3 rotting under there. Maybe even an Xbox, or a PSP as well (hey, who knows what the future holds). It was odd, because I physically couldn’t imagine ideally looking under my Bed, or in a cupboard, and seeing a PS3  covered in dust, and feeling only mild nostalgia or quaint enthusiasm towards it. If I saw my PS3 in a cupboard today, I’d freak out. I payed too much for it. Hell I’m afraid to touch it half the time.

 

So there you go, a little something to think about. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m downloading Counter Strike and I still don’t know why.

Best Christmas Cards Ever

Ahhh Christmas! The food, the presents, the family, the horrific television and of course drunk relatives. Oh, and who could forget Christmas cards! Ahhh Christmas Cards. Since when has shitty bits of cardboard meant so much, eh?

 

Well,to CVG they probably mean a lot more than that card I got from that girl I used to go to school with, because CVG got cards from game companies. Yup, you heard me right readers. They got cards from companies such as Nintendo, Rockstar and Capcom. How. Awesome. Is. That?

 

I’ve chosen just a few of my favorites to show you. Enjoy!

 

Read the full article here!

You Know What?

 

I don’t actually know what game to blog about today. I have no clue whatsoever. So I’ll just randomly blab about anything to do with games.

 

Firstly, that picture above is of Mirrors Edge. But it looks real. Pretty cool huh? I thought so.

 

Sixthly, The Sims hasn’t controlled my life! I managed to escape it’s vile and evil snare.

 

Thirdly, the Mirrors Edge soundtrack is fantastic. I really should pick a copy of that up, but a friend of mine finished it in a day. A Day people! That’s ridiculous. Games should at LEAST last a few days. I mean , God. Oh and Left 4 Dead is exempt from that rule. And Portal. Actually, to hell with that point in general.

 

Tenthly (?), I really want to play LittleBigPlanet but because I have no money I can’t. I have to wait until my parents buy it for me for Christmas. I’m 16! Surely I  should have a job or something in a game shop. Actually if a Game or Gamestation or Grainger Games employee is reading this and it’s still before Christmas then I have a message for you. Hey! I’m the kid from Sunderland who came into all of your branches in that city, and tried to trade in that American copy of Smash Brothers Brawl the day it came out in the UK! Give me a job? Or a copy of Mirrors Edge? No?

 

Secondly, does anyone know if Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3 is any good? I haven't read any reviews for it yet… Actually why don’t I own it yet? Hell I don’t even deserve to write this blog.

 

Lastly, Playing Wipeout HD while listening to a playlist consisting entirely of the Smiths actually works…

 

….Well they can’t all be winners!

The Treasure Of El Dorado

Now here's a GOOD game. A game that breaks the boundaries between a game that could have been released on the PS2 and a game that can be noted as "Truly next gen" - Original Dungeon Keeper.

The stories incredible (I never saw the ending coming, not even from a mile off), the gameplays terrific and it's a decent length too. I completed it in under 8 hours which for a me is a good length. I'm hopeless at completing games, and it's only in recent years I've been able to complete practically all the games I buy purely because there so short.

So yea, I'm playing through it again taking advantage of the unlockables and trying to get all those delicious trophies!

Making Games

I'm currently half way through making a really simple game. It should be online soon, and I've been working on it for around a week.

The thing is though, whenever I make games I always have this sneaking suspicion that all the Game Developers in the world are smirking behind my back, realising that no matter what they make it'll be better than what I make. Even the developers of Red Steel. 

A Wii Game Worth Playing

One of the reasons I left my Wii was the distinct lack of quality games. No matter what Nintendo threw at me it never stuck, even if they super glued it. Ever since I got my Ps3 (and a considerable time before that) I've never even touched my Wii apart from when moving it so my Ps3 could fit under my TV. 

Yesterday, I couldn't be arsed to bring my Ps3 back upstairs and my crippling laziness was preventing me from going down to play it. So I booted up the Wii and a copy of strikers with my mate and decided to see if we still enjoyed it. Simple answer, yes we did. He whupped me, 8 games to 2, but I got in enough cheeky goals that made him swear to the high heavens to make up for it.  

It kinda made me realise what the Wii's all about. Playing NEXT to someone, instead of playing online. It almost made me want to keep playing by myself, but then I realised it's crap on single player and went back to COD.

The Little Game That Would

Let me tell you a story. It's called "The little game that would". This little game would become the pet project of legendary game designer Will Wright. This little game would generate more hype than any other game in the last three years. This little game would be eight years in the making. This little game would promise more than it surely could ever deliver. This little game, is Spore.

Sim Everything. I laughed when I read that but it's what Spore was originally going to be called. Sim Everything. Well, I say that's what it was going to be called. It was working under that title in 2000. Eight years ago. That's a long development time, a one that even Valve can safely snigger at. But a long development time means nothing, it's the finished product that matters. All a long development time does is generate immense hype (something Spore did better than any other game to date). But that's not important.  Yesterday I discussed the last great game and Spore didn't even get a mention. Why was that? 

You know what, I was going to go into the history of Spore in detail but I'm not going to. I'm just going to to tell you my opinion in one word. Average.

Spore begins like a dream. It's everything you've ever hoped for. Colour, customisation, online features, a scale so big the human race is a mere blip on the screen. In fairness, it does remain exciting for a few hours. Maybe six or seven at the most, and that's if you take the first three stages slowly (they can be done in around two hours if your quick enough). 

It all went downhill for me when I hit the Civ stage. It became.... Repetitive. The tribal stage (third stage) sees you managing a small amount of tribesmen, befriending ,or beating the shit out of, the neighbours, while the Civ stage is that again but more tedious with added moustaches. The Civ stage feels like it was rushed, like it HAD to be there and no-one on the development team really cared for it. 

I hit the Civ stage on my sixth hour, and had finished it on the seventh. According to my timeline, I'd been in the Civ stage for 50,000 years . That's the thing about Spore. It's.... Confusing. Why is it it took me 25 minutes to evolve out of the gene pool? Why is it it took me 2 hours to discover fire? How come it took me an hour to discover how to build complex building structures? Why did it take me 20 minutes to discover space travel? I know this may seem like a weak argument, but It feels like the whole game is a limited experience, like it's nothing but filler until you hit the space stage. 

The Space stage however, differs from Spore so much it may as well be a completely different game. Firstly, it's huge. Secondly, IT NEVER ENDS! I swear, I've played the space stage for around 20 hours so far and I'm nowhere near the centre of the universe, never mind powerful enough to defeat the aliens that surround it. It's also very, very dull.

OK I've rambled a lot today. Let me summarise. Spore is limitless, yet limited. Flawless, yet Flawed. It could be the perfect game, but cannot. Why? Well that's the thing. I can't explain why. Spore lives up to the hype. You take a single celled organism, take through every stage of life from primordial soup to the centre of the galaxy, creating a scale no other game could achieve. Yet in some ways it doesn't live up to the hype thanks to some god awful design choices, such as the space and Civ stage (they could have been oh so much better).

Spore, in essence, is science. While gaming is religion. The two can never coexist. 

What WAS the last great game?

A friend of mine struck a conversation topic I seem to have been avoiding as of late, last night. He said to me "What WAS the last great game?". Instantly, being me, I said Bioshock. 

But then I thought myself, hang on. I got Bioshock in September... Surely I've played better games since then. Well the Orange Box is probably my most played game of all time, Team Fortress 2 especially. But why didn't I say that straight away? Surely that must be the obvious choice? Well, thinking of it in hindsight, it didn't move me as much as Bioshocks story did. There wasn't as much thrill as exploring rapture for the first time. (It pains me to say that, it honestly does. But Bioshock beats Orange box by a mere millimetre) 

So then I pondered some more. I got loads of games for Christmas, one of them must have beat Bioshock and the Orange box? Surely it hasn't been almost 11 months since the last truly enjoyable game was released? I got Crysis, Unreal Tournament 3, Super Mario Galaxy, Mysims, Metroid Prime 3 and Sim City DS for Christmas. Not one lived up to expectations, and to be honest not one gripped me enough. Crysis got boring very quickly, as did Unreal Tournament 3. As for Mario Galaxy, well it was fun but it was just another Mario Game. 

It seems to me that the games market is becoming stale. Super Mario Galaxy was the first indication. It was meant to be a completely new Mario experience. It was just Mario. In space. Unreal Tournament 3 was just UT2004 with a healthy dose of LIQUID MUSCLE. And It was also, rather boring compared to the others. 

"But what about the others!?!" I hear you cry. "What about Grand Theft Auto 4? Metal Gear Solid 4? Surely these are sure choices!". Well, no. GTA4 is GTA3 in essence, but I can't argue that it's not a good game. Personally I love it, and I'm currently playing through it for the first time and enjoying myself immensely. But it's nothing groundbreaking, nothing immense. It's a good game. But not a great game. Oh, and Metal gear Solid 4? I haven't finished it yet, but It's still the same formula as the others. 

So now I've established there hasn't been a great game in around 11 months. That makes me rather cynical to be honest. Especially with games such as Resident Evil 5, Left 4 Dead, Little big planet, Tomb Raider Underworld and Mirrors Edge coming out. Will these games live up to expectations? Will they manage to make me feel an emotional connection to the game like Bioshock did? We'll have to see, because right now I don't even want to think about it.

Oh, and I didn't mention about Spore. I'll talk about that tomorrow.